Exit Mundi

Seriously, though, I'd totally be ok if the World ended this week.  Like, really.  Monday started off great, but man! after that it was all just downhill.  So I'm not particularly prepared (or in the mood) to blog today.  Lo siento.  Je suis desole.  Me paenitet.  In short: I'm sorry; I'll be back next week with an update on how my six-week Paleo program is going.

(Here's a hint: it's going meh.)


Also coming up next week: Diet supplements and the Paleo lifestyle, a piece on Eating Disorders - because that hasn't been done before... - and why & how to journal your...journey to health and fitness.

Six-Week Personal Paleo Training Program

I'm very curious about my area CrossFit program.  Only problem is: I'm a broke 25 year old (yikes! I'm old.  Maybe I won't ever say that again.) who can't afford to join.  Boo.



That's not my belly.  No matter how much I wish it was.

So, in my infinite wisdom, I did a little research into just what this CrossFit thing is all about.  And let me tell you; it's about pain, apparently.  I've watched videos of body builders getting killed by a Paleo-inspired workout.  Where do I sign up?

Here's a little Six-Week Paleo Personal Training Program I've put together. (*Please note my weeks run from Saturday-Friday because.)

SATURDAY	SUNDAY	MONDAY	TUESDAY	WEDNESDAY	THURSDAY	FRIDAY
Rest Burpee +1 Plank 0:30	Yoga Burpee +1 Plank 0:30	Intervals Burpee +1 Plank 0:30	Big 3 Burpee +1 Plank 0:30	Deadlift Kippling Pull-ups Thrusters Burpee +1 Plank 0:30	Shoulder press Captain’s Chair Other Strength Burpee +1 Plank 0:30	Rest Burpee +1 Plank 0:30
Rest Burpee +1 Plank 1:00	Yoga Burpee +1 Plank 1:00	Big 3 Burpee +1 Plank 1:00	Deadlift Kippling Pull-ups Thrusters Burpee +1 Plank 1:00	Shoulder press Captain’s Chair Other Strength Burpee +1 Plank 1:00	Rest Burpee +1 Plank 1:00	Intervals Burpee +1 Plank 1:00
Rest Burpee +1 Plank 2:00	Yoga Burpee +1 Plank 2:00	Deadlift Kippling Pull-ups Thrusters Burpee +1 Plank 2:00	Shoulder press Captain’s Chair Other Strength Burpee +1 Plank 2:00	Rest Burpee +1 Plank 2:00	Intervals Burpee +1 Plank 2:00	Big 3 Burpee +1 Plank 2:00
Rest Burpee +1 Plank 3:00	Yoga Burpee +1 Plank 3:00	Shoulder press Captain’s Chair Other Strength Burpee +1 Plank 3:00	Rest Burpee +1 Plank 3:00	Intervals Burpee +1 Plank 3:00	Big 3 Burpee +1 Plank 3:00	Deadlift Kippling Pull-ups Thrusters Burpee +1 Plank 3:00
Rest Burpee +1 Plank 4:00	Yoga Burpee +1 Plank 4:00	Intervals Burpee +1 Plank 4:00	Big 3 Burpee +1 Plank 4:00	Rest Burpee +1 Plank 4:00	Deadlift Kippling Pull-ups Thrusters Burpee +1 Plank 4:00	Shoulder press Captain’s Chair Other Strength Burpee +1 Plank 4:00
Rest Burpee +1 Plank 5:00	Yoga Burpee +1 Plank 5:00	Big 3 Burpee +1 Plank 5:00	Deadlift Kippling Pull-ups Thrusters Burpee +1 Plank 5:00	Shoulder press Captain’s Chair Other Strength Burpee +1 Plank 5:00	Rest Burpee +1 Plank 5:00	Intervals Burpee +1 Plank 5:00

So, dude.  What the hell does that mean?  What's a "Big 3" and why do I need to do it?  Burpees?  Planks?  Yoga?!

And the answers are: I'll tell you in a second, because it'll kick your butt no matter who you are, yes, yes, and yes!

What are the Big 3?
"The Big 3" is a series of 3 weight lifting exercises - the bench press, back squat, and clean - performed back to back for 20 reps, with no recovery time from one to the next.  This is continued for 3 sets, with a 2:00 minute break after eat set.  So, ya see, you do get a break.  But you'll probably be dying long before then, at least according to Dana Linn Bailey, the champion body builder you see shaking in this video at 5:07.



Burpees, Planks, and Yoga?

Yes, all of the above.

Burpees are compound exercises incorporating a squat, push-up, and jump all together.  This allows you to work your pecs, lower back, and those pesky triceps, to name a few.  Start day one by performing one burpee, then, each successive day, add a burpee to the count.  Simple as that.  Learn more here.

Planking, one of those lovely exercises you can do just about anywhere, is a great way to strengthen abdomenal muscles, but it's also so much more...  Start out with a simple plank held for 30 seconds.  Repeat for maybe a week, then challenge yourself to hold the position longer; for example, week one of the PTP (personal training program...aren't I original?) indicates that planks should be held for 30 seconds, while week two calls for one full minute, and so on.  Check out Mark Sisson's 4 Plank Progression.

Yoga.  While yoga is not typically a part of strength training, it's beneficial to the program in that it lengthens and stretches out all those muscles you work with all week.  See: How Yoga Stretching Compliments Strength Training & Yoga for Bodybuilders.

You'll also notice that every Saturday is a Rest day (and Sunday, for the most part, too).  What gives?  I've left my weekends open to live life, and get outdoors where the REAL exercise takes place.  Reserve those days for fun hikes and other outings with your family and friends.  Health is not just about be physically fit; it encompasses every aspect of your life from mental to emotional, spiritual to social.  You gotta have fun to be fit.

Well that wraps it up for us today.  I've got a Big 3 workout later this morning (my first, actually), so wish me luck!  I'll tell you all about it tomorrow!

What does your training/exercise/fitness/whatever-you-call-it program look like?

UPDATE

I just finished my Big 3 workout for today.  My body.  It hurts.  Specifically, my biceps are tight and I can already tell what the next few days is going to feel like.

Honestly, though, I couldn't finish.  I just couldn't.  But that's not a stretch for me, really.  I haven't been in a gym and lifted a weight in a while.  I think the bench press is what killed me, because I can do squats all. day. long.  I love squats.  I love big, strong legs.  I've never been a fan of the bench press, because I don't rely too much on my upper body strength (I've got killer leg strength, though, so BAM!).  And so, because the bench press took a lot out of me, it made the clean lifts all the more difficult.

Also, someone else wanted to use the equipment, so I only made it through 2 sets.  Can't wait for the new gym in my office building to open.  Yay free gyms!

My stats for today:

(all at 45 lbs to start, because - come on - I haven't lifted in what seems like forever)

Bench press: 2 sets, 20 reps/15 reps

Back squats: 2 sets, 20 reps/20 reps

Clean lifts: 2 sets, 20 reps/(I think...) 10 reps

And, oh yeah!  I get to move furniture later with the sweetie-pie.  Fun times to be had all around...and I'm totally not face palming right now.

I Once Told My Dad I'd Put a Booger on Him...

...and he's never let me live it down.  Seriously.  We work for the same company (I'm a computer geek, folks) and everytime we're with the same client - which, by the way, is usually the client I'm contracted to - he warns them "not to mess with [me]" because I'll put a booger on them.  Embarrassing.  I've moved past the boogers and onto to bigger and better things, Dad.

Can you guess the Anchorman quote?

Plus, I definitely never put a booger on you that one time you made me get rid of my Rottweiler that I had for a month when I was five.  It was devastating.  So there's that.
Aaaaanyways.  I've been gone awhile, yes.  We know this.  So, why am I back?  Of course.  Wait, we know this one.  You need something, dontcha, Jess?  Well, why yes, Blog, I do.  I need some folks to hold me in shame and regret for breaking my diet.  Ok, so yeah.  It'll be self-imposed shame and regret, but at least it will be up here for me to be ashamed for people to read about. That works.

I'm bracing for the mass cringe that happens when I say this, but: I've gone Paleo.  And I like it.  I really do, I just have these terrible, stupid sugar cravings, and a house full of people NOT GONE PALEO!  Like, seriously, I'm surrounded by effing Swiss Cake Rolls, and Granola Bars (not the healthy kind!), and all those god damned pies and shit I make and I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT IT?!?

So.  Paleo.  Paleo? Here's a list of what I've decided to give up and why:

Grains
This means bread, rice, etc.  Basically, I've bought into the whole Farming is Evil philosophy.  Really, though, it makes me feel yucky.  I get bloated, and then I get heartburn.  Because my heart then tries to commit suicide.  <--------*GASP* We don't joke about that here!!  Very often.

Dairy
I've given up everything except half n' half, cream, and butter (and when I put milk and stuff in other things, 'cause I cheat).  It makes me bloated, has unhealthy fats, and I'm totally addicted to it.  So, ya know, I'm breaking up with it 'cause I love it too much.  When you love something let it go and hope it never comes back!

Sugar
Duh?  Duh.  Gives me heartburn and throws my blood-sugar out of whack.  I'm already a nut job without the sugar.

For those of you already familiar with the diet (all two of you), here's what I didn't cut out and why (besides that fact that I'm a grown woman!):

Legumes
I really only eat beans in chili, so if I cut them out completely I won't gain too much, but I'll have to further modify one of my all time favorite foods - I've already cut out the little bit of corn starch I use as a thickener, and the French bread I use as a spoon....and the Cheddar Cheese I sprinkle on top.  Leave me the damn beans and no one gets hurt!

Fruit
I need something sweet.  I just have to remember moderation.  Blueberries and cherries have become a staple in my diet.  I feel like I've been missing out my whole life not being exposed to more fresh fruit and veggie choices, so I've definitely made it a mission to incorporate new and sometimes exotic vegetables into every meal!

Meat
This is the source of life, people!  Naturally raised animals have so much nutritional benefits it's ridiculous.  Take Grass Fed Beef for example.  It's lower in fat content, higher in Omega-3 fatty acids and conjugated linoleic acid (or CLA, another type of fatty tissue), and has even been shown to help reduce cholestorol levels.

Here's where my diet differs from the traditional (??) Paleo diet.  I'm not rich; I don't have my whole paycheck to spend at Whole Paycheck Foods.  So for now I have to eat meat from less-than-optimal sources.  On the bright side, I have fresh, healthy fruits and vegetables available that I can afford, so I'm working with what I've got.  Nothing wrong with that.

Vegetables
I love asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, and plantains (which I indulge to eat once in a while); I've made Paleo Spaghetti with Spaghetti Squash, and Paleo Meatloaf with mushrooms.  I can't say I'm starving, or that I'm missing out on great food because I'm not.  Whole food tastes effing awesome!  Don't believe me?  Eat a Driscoll's strawberry from Shoppers, then one from Whole Foods.  The same brand!  But Whole Foods (or the farmer's market, or Trader Joe's) tastes so much fresher, so much better...it's just.  You can tell it was grown with TLC.  (Awww, that's sappy.)

Coconut
I'm supposed to eat coconut, and lots of it!  Coconut is probably Nature's Super-Superfood.  Coconut oil is the optimal cooking base as it's a great source of Omega-3 fatty acids; coconut milk is awesome as a substitute for milk (and it gives food that something that tastes great); and everyone loves coconut flesh!  (Right?)  Plus, let me just say: the smell.  OMGawrsh, I love that smell when I'm cooking!  (it reminds me of how I smell when I cook myself in a tanning bed).


I love you, Coconut Buddy!

Well, I guess that's going to have to wrap it up for now.  I know there's a ton more I have to share with you, but we'll save that for another time.  After all, I have to have a reason for you to come back, right?

What foods do you avoid because they make you feel less-than-optimal?